Long Time, No Chat.

It’s been an extremely long time since I have written on here. Looks like about 3 years to be exact. I’m actually surprised that 1) this was still here and I hadn’t deleted it and, 2) that I remembered my login info.

Although, I have made strides in healing. I have not made enough. I have been playing the game of insanity by continuing to try and do this on my own. You keep hoping that one magical day you will wake up and be healed. But that day never comes. Or at least hasn’t for me.

I hit a tipping point a few months ago. A big one (I’ll go into that more in a later post) that almost ruined my family. And thus, a renewed sense of needing to heal was kicked up. No more floating about in my far too small comfort zone. The search for a new therapist (since I hadn’t seen one in years) was on.

My husband, brilliant as he is, contacted our insurance company. And wouldn’t you know…our insurance covers mental health services 100%?! Why oh why hadn’t we looked into this before?? When I did therapy the first time, we were paying out of pocket. *Insert face palm* It was one of the reasons I hadn’t pursued therapy much and was relying on the wake up and feel better scenario. Therapy is expensive.

After contacting ALL of the local therapists covered by our insurance, not one was willing to do either phone/video/in-home therapy. Talk about a heart-breaker. More research into our insurance showed we had an online option through MDLive. I was hesitant. Randomly picking someone off the internet based on their picture and short bio? But wasn’t I, in essence, doing that anyhow?

So, I took the leap. I read the bios and what they each specialized in. And I chose one. I made the appointment. I had my first therapy appointment in 4 years. And it went better than I could have imagined. I’ll also update on how it went in the next post. SO much to update everyone on. That is, if anyone is still here. 😉

Keep Fighting!

It’s Been Awhile

Hmmm….It’s been awhile.

Quite awhile.

You would think I had been “cured” and was moving on with life as usual. But alas, I am not. I am actually coming up on my 3 years anniversary of The Day Everything Changed. Not an anniversary that I ever wanted to celebrate. But here we are.

Still struggling.

Still fighting.

But I have made a decision. A decision that I am done fighting on the defensive side. I am done. I am going on the offense. I know it is going to be extremely hard. Actually, I think that is why I am still “stuck”. I keep thinking I will awaken one day and a switch will be flipped and all will be well. But truth is, that is not how it is going to work. I need to do some work. And I know it is going to suck. But it needs to be done.

So, here am I, sharing more of the journey with you. I will definitely be posting more as I work through these processes.

Keep Fighting!!

#Truth

The Day Everything Changed

This is where I am.

It has been 10 months 6 days since I was apart of life. Since I was apart of the community. Since I was any further than a couple miles down the road.

It was October 16th, 2014. It was 2:20 PM. I was at work. It was a normal day. Full load of patients. Surgeon was in a good mood. New computer system was working without any glitches.

And then it started. The familiar increase in body temperature. The sweating around the scalp and small of my back. The increased heart rate. The blurred vision. The full ears. The throat constriction. The chest heaviness. The numbness in the left arm. The wild thoughts.

When I have a panic attack, my body likes to try and convince me I am having a heart attack. It is one of my greatest fears and my brain knows this and tries to use it against me. Damn brain.

One of my co-workers noticed my agitated state, and in true fashion, tried to empathize with me because her daughter had them.

I am so sorry to all those who try and show compassion, but the very last thing anyone in panic attack needs is for someone else to try and tell them about their experiences. Not. The. Time. I don’t mean to be rude, but it is true. 

She also tried distracting me with pictures of cute dogs on a calendar. It was a valiant effort, but one that never works for me. But I give her credit for trying.

I grabbed my things and headed to my car. I knew if I would just down some cold water and sit in the cool AC of my car I would be able to regain my composure and go about my day. Right? I mean, this is what helped previously. Oh how wrong I was.

After sitting in my car for 20 minutes, I sent a text to my co-workers that I would not be back in. I needed to head home.

I could not get myself under control. I pulled the car out of the parking space only to pull it back in a couple spaces over. *I remember a lady walking by the parking lot and looking at me like I had lost my mind. Little did she know.* After a few more minutes, I bit the bullet and headed home.

Side note: When I have a panic attack, I tend to cause myself pain to try and “snap” myself back to reality. I am a girl and I have nice nails so I tend to scratch myself. 

On the drive home, I hit 2 separate construction zones where I was the first car in line each time. I am fairly certain I gave “if looks could kill” looks to both the poor flaggers. As I sat, I continued to scratch to try to calm down.

On top of the construction, I hit every single red light. No joke. I wanted to scream. It was the longest 20-minute commute home of my life. It felt like it took hours.

By the time I got home, I had scratched myself raw on both arms, both lower legs, my stomach, and my chest. (Let’s just say, my shower the next day was quite painful.) I have still have the physical reminders.

I took a Xanax when I got home and it still took me an hour to calm down.

I tried to go into work the next day. I got to the end of our road and my anxiety kicked up and I called-in.

I have not been off our road since. Mostly sticking to our property, but trying to get out and drive occasionally so I can hopefully get back to life some day.

More later.

Keep Fighting!

A Little Background

So, I figured we need to start at the beginning if we are going to get anywhere. 😉 Makes sense, right?!? Of course it does!

This blog will be used as a way to share, and hopefully connect, with others also battling anxiety/panic. So of course that means I can’t give out all the good stuff in the first post. So stick around. It may not always be fun, or entertaining, but it will always be real.

So, here is a bit about me…I’ll even bullet-point it to keep it semi-entertaining:

• 32 years young
• 21 years saved by Christ
• 16 years with my hubs
• 13 year old daughter
• 12 year old cat
• 11 years with anxiety
• 10 months at home
• 4 year old cat
• 2 year old dog = best friend
• 1 daily medication
• 1 “emergency” medication
• handful of people who know the truth

So that is me in a nutshell…ish.

I didn’t have the best childhood. Of course, I didn’t have the worst childhood either. I grew up with a lack of control and thus, I have been trying to be in control ever since. That in and of itself will cause you to break down. There are so many things out of our control. And I had to learn how to deal with them. And let them go. But more on that later.

I am the product of 4 step-dads (and multiple live-in boyfriends), 1 step-mom, 3 half-siblings, 10 step-siblings, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, anorexia, depression, anxiety, a parent with untreated mental illness (possible BPD or schizophrenia) and 49 moves.

I am also the product of a God who loves me, an amazing husband who sacrifices so much for me, a wonderfully gifted daughter, an extended family who would do anything for me, and friends who have stood by my side when I have nothing to give.

I choose to focus on the latter and forget the past. Although, that is what has gotten me into trouble and placed me in the predicament I am in today. Again, I will get more into that later.

I am just your average gal! Christian. Wife. Mother. Friend. Auntie. Daughter.

But I have a secret that most people who know me, don’t know. And it is embarrassing and frightening and frustrating and draining. But I am learning to overcome my struggles and part of that is sharing my story with you.

Keep Fighting!

Why Blog?

I’ll be honest…while looking for ideas for a blog name, I was struck even more with the notion that I needed to share my story. Sure, there are blogs about anxiety out there, but where are you?!? And no, blog authors, it is not your fault!

Most of the sites I came across were about anxiety. Which is good. We need those. But how much better is it to connect with someone else going through the same thing. Much better!

Because let’s face it, you can study it until you are blue in the face, but if you haven’t lived through it… (I am in no way saying the professionals don’t know what they are doing or how to help, just that it is different to talk with someone who really “gets” it).

Anyhow, I had already felt the need to starting writing about my journey, so those searches just sealed the deal. 🙂

We will get started with a little background info shortly and then we will be off on this journey! Can’t wait to read your comments and connect with all of you!

Keep Fighting!

Hello world!

Welcome to my blog! I am glad you are here!

This blog is for me to chronicle my journey with anxiety. It has been a long, hard, road and I am not in the clear yet. I am still working toward recovery. And as close as I feel to the start of freedom, I know there is still a lot of work yet to be done.

Things here will be real. And honest. And I hope to connect with you. I hope you know if you are going through something similar to this, you are not alone.

The stigma is real. The judgement from others is real. The internal scars are real. The misunderstanding is real. And I understand that. Better than you may think.

Join me as I share my story in the only way I know how…through writing.

Keep Fighting!!